After 7 years of research, testing and observing, it is safe for me to say, that I am nowhere near the mother that I thought I would be. And though I know that I am a fun, and loving, and an intuitive mom , there are some areas that I struggle with so badly, that sometimes I wonder why my entire life, all I wanted to be, was a mom. :) Cause I'm not exceptionally good at it.
Maybe I just have too high of expectations for myself and children. But for the past year or so, especially since my children have been in school for a full day, I have definitely spent time thinking about how I am not the homemaker I thought I would be, or the patient person I once thought I was, or good example or role model for my children or just a domesticated person in general! And I have come to realize and I may be completely off here, that a majority of woman feel the same way about themselves one way, or another.
I mean, isn't this why we as mothers belong to mom groups, or meet at playgroups and go on girl's nights or even weekends? So we can talk to one another about our struggles, get through the afternoon without losing it or having a few days to be able to openly talk about our frustrations and insecurities and cry and laugh together without feeling judged? And then being able to regroup, go home, and try again to be better? I swear sometimes I feel like the mother in the "Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood"! :) (I love Ashley Judd.)
Especially when those growing and getting away moments are so few in far between for me, which isby own choice most of the time. I need to be better at that too.
So thankfully, when I begin to think like this, It doesn't take long for me to tell myself that everyone has struggles, everyone gets frustrated for one reason or another and at least we're all trying right?
I'm in denial aren't I? ;)
But knowing this gives people the oppurtunity to be more
compassionate and empathetic to others. The whole, "Always treat others as if they were having their worst day."
I try not to compare my weaknesses to other people's strengths. It's just not fair for anyone to do that to themselves.
A few weeks ago Scott and were watching the movie, How Do You Know. It has Paul Judd, Reece Witherspoon and Jack Nickolson in it. Don't worry, this will all tie together, maybe!
In a scene near the end, all 3 of those people are in a hospital room with a friend, who has just had her first baby. And someone asks for everyone to give the new parents, their parenting advice. The one thing you would tell them... The first couple people were you know, the basic things that you hear all the time that really are givens...like, always love them, no matter what....or I don't know...never fight in front of your children....I'm way off but you get the point.
But then Jack Nickolson (who was perceived as a terrible father/lousy businessman the entire movie) said,
"Never assume that other parents know what they're doing."
"Alleluia! FINALLY," I thought.
Something realistic and relevant to real life! This is a bit more believable now...
:) But to my surprise, all others in the hospital room kind of uncomfortably and confused say..."ummm...no....my parents knew what they were doing." I was a little disappointed....a little embarrassed at myself...that I agreed with this supposedly terrible man, but I did! I asked myself, why did the writer put that in there? What a disappointment, what were they thinking? I learn from parents everyday that are amazing examples to me of the kind of parent I am striving to be. But once again with comparing or assuming, it's so hard not to do sometimes!
I write this now, because Scott and I got into a "discussion" this afternoon while putting our girls clothes away. It was over me having patience when it came to my children dressing themselves and doing their own hair. Surprise, surprise. ;) There are many situations, where my children can do so without a care from me in the world, (our play room, out to the park, our apartment, their cousin's apartment, going swimming...) but when it comes to a. church and b. school, I have the right as their mother to not only tell them that their attire will not be suitable or safe or weather friendly for school or church, but that it straight up doesn't match, it looks silly and to go change right now! They are old enough now for me to be able to say that and for them to obey.
This is where Mother
Gothel and I become a little too alike. Not only does brushing their hair revive and sooth me, but I can say that I talk like her...like a lot. It's terrible how I see myself
reflected in these terrible characters. I need new people to emulate! :) Anyways, I am very much so the mother that says something like,
"Darling, you know that doesn't match, go change right now and I'm not going to tell you again...
I loooove youuuu!" (In a
singy song voice.)
Ella hates it. Hates it, almost tears of fear. But, it really is one of those things that I know is something I could be so much better at....delicately working my words perfectly as to not hurt their feelings or offend them.
I know, I know, they will be sneaking out and changing their clothes by 3rd grade if I keep this up! But it is so hard sometimes to be that kind, soft spoken mother that so easily and nonchalantly teaches and talks to her children. I am so much more the, "go and do it because I'm your mother and I said to!" (on the 3rd try) kind of person and living in New
York has got me not caring if I yell that, in public.
But you know what, dang it? I was in the shower today and it dawned on me why in the world these people in that movie
How Do You Know? had the reaction they did to Jack
Nickolson'sadvice.
Its because none of the people disagreeing with him, were parents!!
And gosh darn it, if their parents were able to fool their children into believing they knew what they were doing while raising them, I can too! Even if it was all fiction from a movie!
They're happy, so I think we're doing okay.
Parenthood... it's all an experiment.
